Shocker in Orinda: Haunted Phair’s “Goblin” Turns Out to Be Old Man Withers!

A picture from a previous investigation in Baton Rouge, LA where the culprit was also named “Old Man Withers”

Orinda, CA: In a city that often sleeps, a bizarre twist that reads like a subplot from something one would see on the Discovery Channel has finally debunked the long-standing mystery of the haunted Phair's Department Store in Orinda. The building, which has stood empty since 1998 due to persistent rumors of spectral activity, was the focus of an overnight investigation that took an unexpected turn.

Prompted by the Phair Family, desperate to dispel ghostly rumors and sell the property, an investigative team arrived in a flamboyantly painted purple van. The team was made up of four experts in the paranormal and a large great dane that acts as an emotional support dog for one of their members. The team includes Fred Jones, the leader of the group, who often constructs elaborate traps to catch villains.

The team also included Daphne Blake, known for her knack for getting into danger but also has a sharp mind for solving mysteries. Then, there is Velma Dinkley, the brains of the group. Velma is crucial for piecing together the puzzles. And finally, Shawn "Shaggy" Rogers, a bumbling moron that often gets hungry, complains and disturbs crime scenes. Many in the paranormal remediation industry wonder why they don't just eliminate Shaggy, even though he usually acts as an unknowing bait to attract paranormal entities. The LocalTattler learned that the real reason that Shaggy is still on the team is that he is the son of the executive producer of Haunter Suburbia, the network's second most popular show.

Opting for a hands-on approach, they planned to debunk the supernatural claims through a traditional, if not theatrical, overnight stakeout.

The drama unfolded when Shaggy Rogers and his canine companion, Scooby, were spooked by an apparent goblin during a snack run to the nearby Safeway. A clumsy mishap by Shaggy activated a hidden mechanism, revealing a secret chamber filled with automotive memorabilia and parts calendars. It is far from paranormal but suspicious nonetheless. The "goblin" fell into the trap door and lay stunned on the floor.

Scooby soon unmasked the supposed goblin. It was not a goblin but Old Man Withers. Withers immediately claimed to be the proprietor of Orinda Motors, alleging that he needed the Phair's parking lot to store vehicles. The plot, however, thickened when police intervened. It emerged that Withers had fabricated his connection to Orinda Motors. His real motive? A simple man's quest for peace away from his wife of over four decades, whom he found overly irksome.

Withers, who lived at the local senior center, admitted to using the building as his refuge, concocting the elaborate story to cover his tracks. "I just needed some space; my buddies and I go to Pete's in the morning, where we turn off our hearing aids and tell inappropriate stories at high volume. We need to have a place to go when Pete's is closed, and this was it," Withers confessed after being discovered.

“Our data scientists have shown that 80% of cases we solve involve an “Old Man Withers”. We brought in Bain Consulting to review the data, and they suggested that we pilot a new approach. Based on a draft deck they provided us last week, they suggested that the next time we receive help, we should call the police and have them arrest any old man named Withers who lives in the area. This would improve the sustainability of our operations and better support a remote operating model. We could also optimize our field teams' engagement team size, roles, and responsibilities, allowing us to expand our geographic scope while adding scale and predictability to our G&A costs. All these potential actions are all called out in our "Global Vision 2026, Roadmap For Growth," which can be found in the investor tab on our website." stated Jones.

Despite the disruption and the initial scare, the Phair Family decided against pressing charges, recognizing the harmlessness of Withers' antics. He was escorted back to the senior center, leaving behind a community now buzzing not with tales of hauntings but thankful that the Phair’s building may someday become something after sitting vacant for 26 years.

As for the supposed haunting, it was nothing more than an elderly man's escapade, leaving the town with one less ghost story and a clearer path to finally selling the Phairs' property. The story serves as a peculiar footnote in Orinda's local lore, a testament to the lengths one might go to find a little tranquility away from home. The relief the Phair Family and the community feel is palpable, as they can now rest assured that the building is free from any spectral activity.

Footnote:

1) There are four ( 2) people in Orinda with the last name of Withers. Only one of them is old. He should be watched

2) I made this number up, but I still think he should be watched.

3) Following the Orinda investigation, Fred Jones fired the rest of the team, moved the business to an online platform, and bought a normal-colored Sprinter van—with no flowers.(4)

4) Scooby is looking for a good home