Golf Cart Goes Rogue: Orinda's Latest Buzz
A photo taken by a patron dining at La Piaza restaurant
Orinda, CA – In a peculiar turn of events, the otherwise serene town of Orinda is now abuzz with the mystery of a runaway autonomous golf cart that escaped from the Orinda Golf and Country Club. This isn’t just any golf cart; it’s an advanced AI-enabled cart with a self-generating electric motor, and it appears that it has recently taken on the personality of its owner, Mr. Julius P. Haversack, the former second secretary of protocol at the British Embassy in Tokyo during the 1960s[1].
Mr. Haversack, known for his distinguished service to His Majesty’s Service, his love of golf and anything that could possibly lower is handicap, purchased the state-of-the-art electric golf cart. He bought hoping for a trifecta of value: environmentally friendly, easy on the eyes and improvement of his golf game (as the Golf Channel ad-woman claimed in soothing tones). However, shortly after the acquisition, Mr. Haversack and his golf partners began noticing unusual behavior from the cart that mirrored some of Mr. Haversack’s own peculiarities.
Initially, it was small things that caught their attention. After a few rounds, Mr. Haversack observed the cart parked with a brown bag and a bottle of gin sticking out – a nod to his penchant for a couple of G&Ts post-golf. The situation escalated when the AI cart began auto-dialing a 1-900 number, seeking etiquette advice from Miss Manners on the propriety of wearing Golf Knickers (otherwise known as Plus Fours) to the club’s upcoming annual Member/Member gala celebrating membership in the club. These quirky incidents preluded the cart’s dramatic escape from its charging station in Mr. Haversack’s driveway, adjacent to the golf club.
Panic ensued when Mr. Haversack notified club staff about the cart's disappearance, initially thinking one of his golf partners was playing a prank, or worse, that one of the young Orinda teens had stolen it for a joy ride. The pro shop quickly alerted their security team led by Mr. P. Walther, the long-time night watchman known for his credentials in golf course security. He too was particularly flabbergasted by the incident. Struggling with anxiety and thought of an autonomous golf cart roaming the fairways, or worse the winding roads of Orinda and making its way to the freeway, Mr. Walther promptly contacted the Orinda Chief of Police, calling for a comprehensive investigation. As is protocol for incidences of this level, the local U.S. Representative, Mr. Mark Andrews, was also alerted while on a fact-finding junket on the Island of Diego Garcia in the South Indian Ocean. [Yes, Diego Garcia does have a golf course on the island].
The rogue golf cart has since been spotted numerous times around town, often seen brushing up against Teslas and even three-wheeled electric shopping carts at the local Safeway. Authorities have cautioned the public against approaching the cart, which might replicate Mr. Haversack’s tendency to slice the ball – a behavior potentially hazardous for those nearby the autonomous vehicle when acting out. Closed-circuit TV cameras spotted the golf cart at a charging station at Lafayette BART. When a member of the BART Police approached it, it sped off against traffic, scattering golf tees in its wake to deter the police vehicle from following. Officer Carol Freedman, who was pursuing the rogue vehicle, suffered a blowout from a scattered golf tee, causing her vehicle to collide with a parked vehicle. The struck vehicle was ticketed for parking in a compact space. By the time Officer Freedman was able to extract herself from the police cruiser and write the citation, the rogue cart had already fled the premises. A profiler from the FBI with strong Python skills attempted a review of a copy of the cart's operating system to predict its potential actions. Unfortunately, nobody was able to crack the password, which seemed to have been updated from “IPO!IPO! ”, the default password for carts of this model.
Orinda’s residents are on high alert and have been warned to report any sightings of the runaway cart. The local Orinda Police Chief is working diligently to locate and apprehend the cart before it causes any significant damage. The Chief alerted the Moraga and Lafayette Chiefs to the situation. Discussions are underway as to the appropriateness of setting up a perimeter and or sending out a BOLO to Walnut Creek PD and SFPD.
If you or anyone you know spots the golf cart in question, please contact the Orinda Police Department immediately. Until then, the town remains on watch, hoping for the safe return of Mr. Haversack’s wayward AI companion. If seen, please do not approach or attempt to apprehend. It has demonstrated behaviors that indicate it has lost its fear of humans and may harbor resentment from being kicked by golfers who shank their shots.
Footnote
[1] In fact, Julius P. Haversack played himself in the blockbuster hit opposite to Cary Grant and the always beautiful Samantha Eggar, his onetime love interest whom he notably lost to Jim Hutton