Orinda Asks the Tough Question About the LocalTattler: Why us?
The editor of the LocalTattler. Some question why he is wearing a winter coat during the current heat wave, while others question whether he should have something better to do with his time.
Orinda, CA: In the quaint town of Orinda, a burgeoning debate stirs not from its serene hills but from the web pages of its news outlet, the LocalTattler. As residents click through articles, rich with hyperbole and whimsy, a pressing question looms: Is Orinda, with a modest population of 20,000, too small to sustain its fake news platform?
Unlike national giants such as The Babylon Bee, The Borowitz Report, or The Onion, the LocalTattler caters exclusively to Orinda—a scope that puzzles many. Critics argue that the town's size might only justify a playful Twitter feed or a Snapchat channel, not a full-blown publication. Suspicions arise about the Tattler's motives, with some speculating that Orinda is merely a testing ground for larger markets like Palo Alto or Hayword. "Moraga has a person that spray paints dicks on the walls of local retail outlets; this seems much more sinister." stated a retired FBI profiler that lives in the Sleepy Hollow neighborhood. "I see this getting worse before it gets better."
Residents voice concerns about the publication's focus and feasibility amid the raised eyebrows. "Can we keep up with the staffing and budget needed for such an endeavor?" asks one local. "I can't believe our tax dollars are going to this. We have bridges that need repairing. This is the last thing our community should be spending our valuable tax dollars on," stated Todd Schluter, age 73. It is rumored that the LocalTattler is funded by readers like you and a generous grant from the State of California. The LocalTattler could be a part of a state-wide literacy improvement program funded by gas taxes collected at the pump. Some small-minded cynics in the community question whether this is a good use of the funds and whether they would be better spent on critical infrastructure or addressing the state’s homeless problem.(1)
Whispers of conspiracy theories add a layer of intrigue. Is the LocalTattler a Russian disinformation campaign? Could it be a covert operation by the Mash petrochemical empire, known for its suspiciously cheap gas and aggressive parking space acquisitions? And why are the Tattler's doors open even on weekends?(2)
Grammatical inconsistencies in the publication raise another flag, suggesting that the staff might not be native English speakers. "Is this hinting at international origins?" ponders Professor Candice Monare, a Professor of English at the University of California, Berkeley. Professor Monare is a global expert on grammar and the lost art of diagramming sentences. (2) “I would hate to find out that our tax dollars are being sent overseas to some sweatshop filled with people writing poorly constructed satirical articles about our community. I am sure we have local people who could do that,” stated Gladis Beardstrom, age 37. “I feel like the inconsistent punctuation could be someone’s way of trying to dumb down our community and turn us into a grammatically challenged dystopia,” stated Unis T. Hall, a retired Orinda teacher. (3)
As the debate simmers, the LocalTattler announces a self-reflective investigation to answer the myriad questions about its operations. "We're turning the lens on ourselves," declares the editor. "It's time to dissect the beast we've unleashed."
With the community's identity at stake, Orinda stands at a crossroads. Will it embrace its unique slice of journalism, or will skepticism undermine the LocalTattler's place in the heart of the town? Only time, and perhaps the following headline, will tell.
Footnote:
1) These people need to lighten up
2) “This is all starting to make sense.’
3) I have a real retired teacher who reads this nonsense. She was nice enough to try to reach out and try to explain the proper use of quotations. She was a wonderful teacher for one of my daughters and I greatly appreciate her readership!