Lost Legacy: The Mysterious Disappearance of Orinda's Celebrated Battle Cannon
Orinda, CA: In a perplexing turn of events that has captivated the community of Orinda, the historic Orinda Battle Cannon, reputed to have fired the first shot in the legendary "Battle of Orinda," has vanished. The cannon, a pivotal piece of local heritage, was reported missing from its usual storage location behind Alma Music, sparking widespread concern and intrigue among residents.
For decades, the cannon has been a central feature of Orinda's Fourth of July celebrations, fired ceremonially down Main Street to commemorate the town's colorful past. According to local lore, the cannon once thwarted the Moraga Banditos, a troupe of traveling actors turned extortionists, who mistook Moraga for a burgeoning theater destination. After traveling across the country, they were surprised that Moraga had no theater or people. Realizing their hope of putting on "Mid-Summer Night's Dream" was dead, they decided their only option was to turn to a life of crime. First calling themselves Malevolent Thespians, they realized they needed a better name, so "Moraga Banditos" stuck. "It seemed like few people in the area knew what a thespian was and were only confused by the moniker. No one owned a thesaurus, making it hard for people to understand that “Malevolent” was not good," stated Lynn Jefferies a professor of History at UC Berkeley. Led by Maud LaFange, the band of performers planned to prey on the hospitality of Bob and Ted Orinda, early settlers who had established a prominent local bed and breakfast for gold miners. They planned to rob Bob and Ted of their money and steal free massage coupons. “Thespians are much scarier now than back in the 1850s. Now, the thought of one’s child becoming a thespian can be a daunting reality to grasp, even the most optimistic and supportive parent,” stated Gill Masterson, guidance counselor at Orinda’s Miramonte High School.
Their plan, however, was foiled on the third of July when Carol Weismann, a stout-hearted local cattlewoman, was getting a drink at Lafayette's Roundup Saloon, where locals liked to tell tall tail and challenge each other to games of chance. (This was 140 years before the arrival of underage St. Mary's students, who now seem to frequent the establishment). While finishing her drink, she heard the Banditos discussing their plan. Having recently had difficulty scheduling a post-bris celebration for her nephew Saul at Bob and Ted's, she knew she had to derail this dastardly plan. It took more work to find a venue in the Laorinda Valley.
On the morning of the 4th, she placed the cannon at the end of Orinda's main street and waited for her prey. Once sited, she aimed at the lead Bandito, missing him by inches but striking his hat, which seemed more like a jester cap than a traditional sombrero. The cannon's blast sent the would-be thespian extortionists fleeing, with legend claiming one Bandito fled as far as Portland, Oregon, where he eventually founded Reed College. At the same time, another went up the canyon and hid in a ravine. Later, when the coast was clear, he founded Cal Shakes, the coldest place to watch a play in North America.(3)
The disappearance of such a storied artifact has left the community in turmoil, with rampant accusations and suspicions. The cannon's absence disrupts a long-standing tradition and removes a symbol of local resilience and history.
Investigators need clarification on the theft, particularly given the cannon's size and weight, making a discreet removal challenging. Local authorities are urging anyone with information to come forward, hoping to recover the cannon before the upcoming Fourth of July festivities.
The saga of the Orinda Battle Cannon is more than a simple case of missing historical property; it's a reminder of the town's spirited past and a test of its present community spirit. As Orinda prepares for another Fourth of July, the hope remains that the cannon will be returned or recovered, restoring a beloved tradition to its rightful place in the heart of the town.
Footnotes:
1) In the mid-19th century, there was no internet in the Lamorinda Valley, making event scheduling more difficult than it is today
2) I am not sure that this is true. As the fact checker for this publication, I have better things to do with my time than to check the validity of fake facts that I make up. If it bothers you, just type “Who founded Reed College?” into Google. You should get an answer plus some other information you did not want. Maybe info on a cheap flight to Tuscon. It’s hot there, but it’s a dry heat.
3) Sometimes it is better to stick to a life of crime
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