Unleashed and Unlicked: Orinda's Goats on a Rampage Over Missing Salt

Source: Brochure ,Ed’s Cape Buffalo Landscaping Services , page 2 “Why goats are a bad choice for residential weed abatement”

Orinda, CA – The usually quiet suburb of Orinda is facing an unexpected disruption after a herd of landscaping goats went rogue, causing havoc across northern parts of the City. The goats, originally hired to help clear brush and reduce fire hazards, have become unintentional agents of chaos, munching their way through gardens, parks, and even street decorations.

The saga of the escaped goats began when a city work crew mistakenly removed a vital salt lick, believing it to be debris. The goats' owner, Barb Mack, will only collect her wandering herd once the City compensates her for the salt lick. Complicating the matter, the City's leadership team is on a retreat at Esalen, where there is no cell service. Karen Lester, the acting city official who agreed to stay behind, cannot approve the purchase of a new salt lick due to spending limits capped at $25; a new salt lick costs $32 at Alamo Feed and Tack.

Consequently, the goats are continuing their destructive journey unabated. Aerial footage has traced the herd's path, revealing their movement diagonally across the northern sector. Projections suggest they cross Upper Happy Valley Road by Friday and reach Highway 24 by Saturday. Attempts to deter them with pots, pans, and high-pressure hoses have proven futile. The City has a swarm of drones tracking the goats, and residents are asked not to complicate matters with their drones. " We have a complex aerial environment over the goat herd now. The community needs to be patient and keep personal drones grounded," stated Bridget Gloster, a FEMA representative flown into counsel local disaster response workers.

The City posted an FAQ on the City's website that includes answers to the top three questions that the community has been asking:

1) Do the goats have names? These are working goats, and only the herd leader, Dwight(1), has a name.

2) Why was I not invited to the city retreat? City leaders planned to livestream the session so community members could participate virtually. Unfortunately, Swami Kirkigard, the session leader, felt that it would throw off the vibe and that an online session is antithetical to his current revenue model of in-person classes only.

3) Has the City considered using other types of animals, such as cape buffalo or swarms of locusts? The City tried Cape Buffalo two years ago. It did not go well. Although a plague of locusts is featured prominently in the Old Testament, it was not considered.

Barb Mack is adamant about retrieving the goats once her conditions are met, citing past grievances with the City. "This time, I have leverage," Mack stated. Meanwhile, local myths are circulating, including unverified claims that the goats are heading towards Nation's Burgers downtown. Skeptics question the validity of such a destination, humorously inquiring, "What would goats do at Nation's Burgers? They can't operate doors."

The City has urged residents not to use emergency services to report goat sightings, as the 911 switchboard has been overwhelmed. Instead, a special hotline, 1011, has been established for goat-related updates. Orinda police are on authorized overtime to manage traffic and assure public safety despite no actual reports of residents fleeing the unusual infestation.

As the community awaits the return of the city leadership team on Sunday night, the situation remains a peculiar testament to the unexpected challenges of suburban wildlife management.

Footnote:

1) Just Dwight