Orinda Father's Day Parade Canceled Due to Expected High Winds

Source: 2023 Father’s Day Edition of the LocalTattler, Family section (1) “Thank god nobody was killed” was the original caption.

Orinda, CA – The much-anticipated Father's Day Parade in Orinda has been canceled this year due to forecasts of high winds, city officials announced today. The decision comes after a safety review and in adherence to new regulations set following last year's parade incident involving large balloons.

Traditionally, the parade features large balloons representing celebrated fathers, towed through the streets by handlers in a spectacle reminiscent of Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. However, last year's festivities took an unexpected turn when a balloon broke free due to high winds, sweeping away two handlers. The balloon and its handlers ended up near Lawrence Livermore Laboratories, a facility known for its crucial national defense technologies.

Laboratory Security was momentarily heightened until it was determined that the intrusion was caused by a rogue Father's Day balloon. "It was just one of those darn Father's Day balloons, loose again," a security officer reported. While the handlers only sustained minor injuries, they inadvertently landed on restricted grounds, leading to initial citations for trespassing, operating an aircraft without a license, flying while under the influence, and criminal mischief. The balloon in question was of Alex Tupperman, a great local Orinda Baseball Association volunteer and well-respected actuary. “It wasn’t me, it was a balloon that looked like me,” stated Mr. Tupperman defensively. “I had no idea that my likeness was going to be turned into a rogue balloon that almost took out a national laboratory. That is not the type of guy that I am. We are seriously thinking of moving. ” he continued.

Fortunately, Representative Mark Andrews intervened, helping to resolve the situation by negotiating with the city to waive the tickets. In exchange, Orinda agreed to implement a new safety measure: the parade would be canceled if wind speeds were forecasted to exceed 40 miles per hour or if Airforce One was in the vicinity.

As an alternative to the balloon parade, city planners had developed a backup event called "Drop on Pop," where children would be gently dropped from the ladder truck of the Orinda Fire Department onto a semi-inflated Dad balloon. This idea was tested with a small adult volunteer, the originator of the idea, who unfortunately sustained significant injuries during the trial. His subsequent lawsuit against the city was dismissed in court due to his involvement in the event's planning. (2) “We are still looking for ideas for unused Dad Balloons. Maybe we can send them to the needy village in a foreign country, where there is less wind,” stated a member of the 2024 Father’s Day Dad Balloon Extravaganza. “Maybe they could be used to scare birds away from crops, or something like that or as something to attract people to a used car lot,” he continued

Drop test photo: Small adult’s blacked out to protect his personal brand

This year, with wind speeds predicted to surpass safe limits, the city has decided to cancel the parade altogether to ensure public safety. "While we are disappointed to miss this beloved tradition, but according to our lawyers, the safety of our community and participants is our top priority, " said a city spokesperson.

Residents and visitors are encouraged to celebrate Father's Day through other community events scheduled throughout the weekend, which promise safe and festive alternatives to the parade.

Footnotes:

1) All physical copies of this issue have already been either sold to the public or confiscated by lawyers.

2) Due to a settlement agreement, Edwin Schwinn can only be referred to as “Small Adult” in any public document published by the City of Orinda and its Departments, whether owned or contracted.

3) The LocalTattler is not owned by the city and does not have a contract with the city. If we could get a contract, we would be happy to remove “Edwin Shwinn” from all back issues and replace it with “Small Adult”. If said “Edwin Schwinn” were to die, then we would use his real name in the obituary because “Small Adult” would confuse the public and potentially be an insult to his family, unless he dies doing something stupid, like being dropped from a firetruck on to a Dad balloon.